My thought-life battle, Part 2

Self-talk

After small-group Bible study
I can’t turn off the mental playback
and endless analysis
of every word I shared.
You went too far
you shouldn’t have said anything
you stupid girl.

“Stupid is a bad word, Mama,”
my little boy chastises from his car seat.
Oh–the inner voice crossed my lips
and now I hear its harshness.
“You’re right, bubba,” I say–
“Silly is better. Mama’s so silly.”
He promptly forgets
but as he naps
I ponder the frequency
and alarming volume
of that condemning voice.
Suddenly I hear myself
whisper leave me alone, leave me alone.
Is this spoken plea
a directive: “Get behind me, Satan!”
or a desperate separation
like the Counting Crows song:
“try to keep myself away from myself and me”?
Who is my worst enemy–the harsh inner judge
or The Great Accuser?
I turn to the scripture we studied
and Romans 8:1 shouts:
“There is now no condemnation
for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
God no longer condemns
my sins long reconciled
my embarrassments long elapsed
my griefs long buried.
When the dark voice snarls
Do you know who you are?
habitually I chant bad, stupid, worthless.
Now I ask God his opinion
and his words of life resound:
Redeemed
Forgiven
Beautiful
Treasured
Precious
Priceless
Daughter.

Overwhelmed with new joy
I get down on my knees
asking him to transform me
by the renewing of my mind.

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5 thoughts on “My thought-life battle, Part 2

  1. “Who is my worst enemy–the harsh inner judge or The Great Accuser?” Wow Sarah, that one is an eye opener! So true, we often do a much better job of condemning ourselves and don’t even realize it. How sweet that God used your little boy that way. Thanks for sharing and thanks for reminding us of God’s opinion of us. I love those words!

  2. Sarah,
    I have read your series “My Thought-life Battle (1-3). I see a lot of myself in you!! Uncanny really. I don’t pretend to be a medical expert, but I, too, have obsessed over past relationships, have battled with depression, have mulled over conversations that I have had and always found my words to be flawed. The voice of condemnation was overwhelming. These are, however, symptoms of OCD (an anxiety disorder). I was diagnosed not long after my first child was born. With the help of medication, therapy and growing in my relationship with God, my symptoms usually stay at bay. I just offer this as food for thought because I saw so much of myself in you…Keeping you in my prayers!!
    Bev

    • So glad you visited, Bev! I’m glad to know I’m not alone in my struggles, and that you closely identify. I look forward to reading more about your faithwalk on your blog. Therapy was a wonderful help to me also. Blessings to you, and I’m honored that you are praying for me!

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