My thought-life battle, Part 2


After small-group Bible study
I can’t turn off the mental playback
and endless analysis
of every word I shared.
You went too far
you shouldn’t have said anything
you stupid girl.

“Stupid is a bad word, Mama,”
my little boy chastises from his car seat.
Oh–the inner voice crossed my lips
and now I hear its harshness.
“You’re right, bubba,” I say–
“Silly is better. Mama’s so silly.”
He promptly forgets
but as he naps
I ponder the frequency
and alarming volume
of that condemning voice.
Suddenly I hear myself
whisper leave me alone, leave me alone.
Is this spoken plea
a directive: “Get behind me, Satan!”
or a desperate separation
like the Counting Crows song:
“try to keep myself away from myself and me”?
Who is my worst enemy–the harsh inner judge
or The Great Accuser?
I turn to the scripture we studied
and Romans 8:1 shouts:
“There is now no condemnation
for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
God no longer condemns
my sins long reconciled
my embarrassments long elapsed
my griefs long buried.
When the dark voice snarls
Do you know who you are?
habitually I chant bad, stupid, worthless.
Now I ask God his opinion
and his words of life resound:

Overwhelmed with new joy
I get down on my knees
asking him to transform me
by the renewing of my mind.